Sunday, September 7, 2008

ew: 25 memorable nicolas cage roles

Wow. Just... wow. Entertainment Weekly lists 25 memorable Nicolas Cage roles. Keep in mind that "memorable" does not necessarily mean good. In fact, most of these roles are memorably bad. You know, because Cage is the worst actor ever. Still not convinced? Look through EW's photo gallery. He has the same expression in all of them.

23. Charlie in Peggy Sue Got Married. The most annoying and nasally character ever. I hate this character so much.
22. McDunnough in Raising Arizona. Ugh.
21. Ronny Cammareri in Moonstruck. I'd rather watch Cher play opposite herself in this role. Or... she could've played opposite a cardboard cutout of Cage and it still would've been better.
18. Jack in Honeymoon in Vegas. Sadly, I've seen this movie three or four times. Surprisingly, I have not gouged out my eyes.
16. Charlie in It Could Happen to You. You may get this movie confused with Peggy Sue Got Married because both characters are named Charlie. You might also get them confused because the performances are equally awful.
15. Ben in Leaving Las Vegas. The God-forsaken movie that gave him an Oscar. It's like Pulp Fiction for John Travolta... if the movie didn't exist, neither would his career.
14. Dr. Stanley Goodspeed in The Rock. Is it in Cage's contract to have crappy character names? See also Moonstruck and Wild at Heart.

12. Caster Troy/Sean Archer in Face Off. This movie is only watchable because of John Woo's directing. But make no mistake: the combination of John Travolta and Nicolas Cage will blow up your mind. It's just unnatural.
11. Seth in City of Angels. Horrible, trite, and unengaging remake. And this has to be Cage's most uninteresting role. He doesn't even change the inflection in his voice.
9. Frank in Bringing Out the Dead. "Considered one of the actor's best films since Leaving Las Vegas." That's like saying Tom Arnold's best film was True Lies. The actor stills sucks even if the movie is good.
7. Charlie/Donald Kaufman in Adaptation. Okay, I concede. The ONLY role of his that I actually enjoy. I love this movie (one of the few films I call "brilliant"), but realize that Cage works because Kaufman is a Cage-like character. He's still the same character from any of Cage's other movies.
5. Ben Gates in National Treasure. One of the worst movies ever. (Right next to National Treasure 2.) Cage should not play characters that are intelligent because he can't pull it off.
4. Yuri Orlov in Lord of War. I actually wanted to see this... but oh, Nicolas Cage is in it.
2. Edward Malus in The Wicker Man. Spoiler: he dies. Hmm, perhaps this is worth renting...


Dee said...

Hmm, let me try to cut through the layers of subtlety and cut to the chase. You don't LIKE Nick Cage?! I am shocked.

You'll love this. A woman I work with used to live in LA and she saw Cage and his current wife in a restaurant and said he was creepy looking and acted bizarre.

Personally, I think David Duchovny is the worst actor ever - his voice and face never change in any role. Maybe he and Cage are related somehow...

keyser soze said...

Haha, of course he was creepy looking! It's in his contract to look creepy... and sweaty. He's always sweating, it seems.

And I respect your choice of Duchovny, but I did enjoy him in Evolution and Californication. That's not to say that he's a great actor with terrific range (because he doesn't), but I can at least tolerate his presence on screen. He's never ruined anything for me... whereas Cage is like a reverse King Midas. Everything he touches turns to crap.


Goddessdster said...

I personally think you LOVE Nic Cage. I mean, so much time on this blog is devoted to him, you may as well rename it: Nic Cage is the obvious reference because he doesn't have the talent for a subtle one.

Though you have to admire a man who can carry a box office weekend in the worst weekend in 6 years. He is probably so proud.

keyser soze said...

Hahahahaha! Okay, I'll scale down my loathing. It's just fun to hate sometimes, especially when it's so easy.