cinematical seven: the problems with chick flicks

Oh, Cinematical, how I love thee... their recent list of problems with chick flicks is right on the money. The problems are hysterically applied, and more importantly... they're true. And thank God, they're written by a female. This list covers the location and disconnection of family, the fact that careers and relationships are not antithetical, the grand romantic gesture, and the offensively gendered idea that shopping will make everything better. Whereas I would've just been angry, author Jessica Barnes takes a rant-tastic look at chick flicks.


1. Two Kinds of Stories -- married or dead?
According to conventional Hollywood wisdom, women are only interested in trying to get married, getting married, getting divorced and then eventually dying of a horrible disease. It doesn't exactly take a Women's Studies degree to see the pattern in most feature films marketed to women -- they are centered solely on personal relationships. I'm not saying that these stories don't have value, but it can't be the only game in town, and I refuse to believe my entire life revolves around making a family, losing a family, and then keeling over after coming to terms with something.

See: Terms of Endearment, Stepmom, One True Thing... and just about any film starring a woman that has been released in the last 100 years.


2. They Make You Feel Bad about Having a Career... and being good at it.
Cut to 2007 and The Devil Wears Prada. This time our fearless heroine goes up against the dragon lady of all bosses and then ... dumps it all and runs off after her boyfriend (a character that was relatively unimportant in the original novel compared to the film version). Or How about Kate and Leopold? A bitter ad exec finds love with a time traveling aristocrat and decides to follow him back to 1876! Yeah, because who wants the stresses of the modern world? You know, like voting and equal rights.

In the world of chick flicks, successful women are by all appearances, terribly unhappy women. Heck, they are worse than unhappy, they are are alone and unloved simply by the matter of their success.

See: The Devil Wears Prada, Working Girl, and Kate and Leopold. [Although I take note with Working Girl. Melanie Griffith gets the guy and and the job, and she's an intelligent character... despite being portrayed by Melanie Griffith.]



3. The Grand Romantic Gesture...or the 'You Complete Me' Syndrome
Have you ever chased after a loved one in an airport? Stopped a wedding? Proposed in the middle of a crowded subway platform? Probably not. If you even tried half of those romantic tricks in an airport, you would be tackled by NSA agents before you even got through the gate. I've been watching movies long enough to know that the grand romantic gesture is usually the most convenient way to wrap up a story line. If you've had your two leads circling each other for two hours, you're probably looking for an economical way for them to ride off into the sunset -- enter the grand romantic gesture.

So what's so wrong with that you may ask? For starters, you could fill an Oprah audience with women lamenting the loss of a romantic spirit that never existed in the first place. Just remember, for every girl out there waiting for Lloyd Dobler to stand outside her window blaring a Peter Gabriel song, there's a guy cursing the day that John Cusack was put on this earth.

See: Jerry McGuire, Notting Hill, and Love Actually.


6. Shopping Makes Everything Alright
In the ultimate chick flick, Pretty Woman, Julia Roberts is a woman who has worked as a prostitute on the streets of L.A. Presumably she's a streetwise gal. But what's the worst thing she feels happens to her? Not the murder of one of her 'co-workers' or her best friend's drug habit. What makes her stop and re-examine her life is that she isn't allowed to shop -- because being denied access to a Rodeo Drive boutique is right up there with the great tragedies in life, I guess. Never has mindless consumption been so pronounced as in last summer's chick flick behemoth, Sex and the City. I lost count of the amount of 'ohhs' and 'awws' when Carrie is shown her new shoe closet by Prince Charming/Mr. Big -- I still gag thinking about it.

See: Pretty Woman and Sex and The City.

i forgot how forgettable these movies are

Movies I forgot I've seen... until I watched them an entire second time:

You, Me, and Dupree
The Hulk
Superman Returns
Transformers
Bridget Jones's Diary: The Edge of Reason
Along Came Polly

When I rewatched these movies, I kept thinking, "I know how this ends... I know how this ends," but I passed it off as the movie being predictable and formulaic. It wasn't until the actual ending -- after two hours of my life had already been stolen -- that I realized I knew the ending because I'd already seen it. It's like when you remember a commercial's jingle but you don't remember the product they're selling. These people didn't do their jobs.

project runway: rings of glory

Winner: Korto
On last night's episode of Project Runway, the designers had to create outfits for the summer Olympics opening ceremony. Points to Bravo for planning out the season to coincide with the Olympics. Bravo, Bravo! Now that we have fewer competitors, we're able to spend more time on individual personalities. Terri is definitely growing on me (she knew who Apolo Anton Ohno is, whereas Blayen just looked annoyed by the guest judge), and I still strongly dislike Stella Trashbags and Blayne Won'tShutUp. Also, why are the other designers complaining that Kenley laughs so much? Wouldn't they rather have a laugher than a crier? People will just complain about anything...

So let me complain about Blayne. I really, really dislike him. I don't typically want people to fail, but I really don't think he deserves to have this opportunity, and his ignorance really grates on my nerves.

Reasons to 'Auf' Blayne
1. He thinks that during the season, he will get paler and weaker. He gets his strength from tanning? As a pale red head, I am incredibly offended by his tanorexia. It's like a warped form of racism. He defends tanning every other day by comparing it to people who go to the gym every day. Blayne, dear, tanning gives you cancer. Working out is healthy.
2. He didn't get the Sgt. Pepper reference, and he thought The Beatles were from the 30s. To add insult to injury, he said he enjoyed Across the Universe but "other people were singing it." Then he adds that he likes his variations of The Beatles to be more progressive. Blayne, dear, The Beatles invented progressive.
3. On his design, he said he was taking the challenge more literally. Blayne, dear, nothing in your design says athletic, Olympics, or America. He opted for pink instead of red. I don't think "literal" means what he thinks it means.
4. Oh, and he's not a good designer.

Designs I enjoyed: Suede (bottom, second from the right), Leanne, Keith, and Terri (bottom, far right).

Designs I disliked: Daniel (top, second from the left), Jarell (top, middle), Stella (bottom, third from the right), BLAYNE (top, far left). They were too 1940s, and I hated that a lot of the models had 1940s hair to match. That makes absolutely no sense. Most female athletes don't put their hair in little curls.

Designs that were good but had nothing to do with the Olympics: Kelli (top, far right), Kenley (bottom, far left), and Jennifer (top, third from the left). Sadly, Jennifer was kicked off, although it should have been Daniel because his design looked horrible whereas Jennifer's design was merely inappropriate for the challenge.


My personal favorite runner up is Keith's design, even though I don't care for him or what comes out of his mouth. I really like the top half; the vest is sporty and the scarves are like a modern update on ascots (sort of). I don't think too many female athletes would be comfortable with that skirt (the material seemed irritable), but if he had paired that vest with some pants or some bermuda shorts, it would've looked fantastic. And I agree with Korto -- Olympic teams in white tend to stand out. And you don't want your country to be too red, white, and blue, so having white as the main color with red and white as the accent colors was a smart decision.



My absolute favorite design (seriously, how did this not win?) belongs to Leanne. It's sporty, it's comfortable, and the collar is freaking adorable. It's wearable and it's practical, but Leanne was still able to punch it up with some fashionable designs. It would look good with straight hair, short hair, hair in a ponytail, hair in a bun. It would look good on lean athletes or muscular athletes. It would look good with tennis shoes or sandals or flats. It's not as creative or innovative as some of the other designs, but for the challenge and for what they were supposed to create, this design really fits the bill. And did I mention it's practical?

i love 'em, but i really hate 'em

These are the TV characters that I love on their shows, in the context of their shows, within the genre of their shows. But in real life, I think I would punch them in the face.

1. Anyone from the cast of Friends


They're a good-looking bunch and, when combined, they're pretty funny. But the laugh-track helps. And I'm not sure that every situation is all that humorous. I could count on my fingers the number of times they were serious! And after season four, they became caricatures of themselves and I don't think I would be able to stand more than five minutes with any of them. Think about it. Who is more annoying? The ditzy chick who says weird things? The obsessive and bossy clean-freak? The idiot actor who says thinks like "it's a moo point"? The squeaky pubescent bore-osaurus? The one-line suddenly-not-gay guy? Or the chick without a real personality? Hmm...

2. Gaius Baltar from Battlestar Galactica


I love Gaius. He is so well-written, and I back him on every decision he's made. He's all about survival, and I get that. There is no shame in wanting to live. If I were in any of his situations, I would do what he did. I'd let D'Anna into my bed... so she wouldn't kill me. I'd try to hang myself once back on the fleet... so they wouldn't kill me. In fact, at the very beginning, he could've switched his lottery number with the old lady's, but he didn't. I would have. He's such a fantastic bad guy because he represents the truth about human nature, and it's much darker than any of us are willing to admit. We all want to be noble... but this isn't Sparta. When all is said and done, we'd rather live. But... I wouldn't be his friends in real life because he stammers, even though he knows full well what he's saying, and he talks to himself. Oh, and he thinks he's the Chosen One. My Frakkin' Weird radar would be going off every second with him.

3. Kara 'Starbuck' Thrace from Battlestar Galactica


I love Kara, I do. She's a strong female character, but she messes up. On purpose. She's arrogant and crass and doesn't care about hurting other people. She's outspoken and rude. These are all reasons why I love her character, what makes her human and real to me. But she's too real, and in real life, I wouldn't be able to justify her actions or get inside her head. Also, I'm kind of sick of her pouty lips-pursed face. Maybe if she laughed more, I'd be her friend... but what's funny about the apocalypse?

4. Pam Beesly from The Office


I heart Jam (Jim + Pam). The kiss from Season 2 could have been between me and Jim, for all my heart knows. It stopped beating for about seven seconds. And as cute as they are, and as adorable and sweet and almost frumpy as she is, Pam is just too soft. She doesn't have a backbone, and that is one of the reason I love her. She's the underdog. You want her to dump Roy, attend an art school, and have little prank-pulling babies with Jim. But she doesn't. It's not fear so much but low self-esteem. Until Season 3, she really doesn't believe she deserves better than a secretary job and a man that doesn't appreciate her. But I need friends who can stand on their own two feet, fight their own fights, and have opinions.

5. Josh Lyman from The West Wing


Oh, Josh. His little walk and how he looks around when he's talking to someone is cute. His banter with Donna is precious, and his one-shoulder-slung backpack is darling. But he's pompous and way too oblivious about anything personal. Take his relationship with Mary-Louise Parker's character, for instance. He dated her because she was in politics. I could never have a serious personal conversation with him (and Donna points that out on a regular basis), and I would want to strangle him every time he told me I was wrong even though I would be saying the same thing he was. And, come to think of it, his walk would annoy me.

hell is other people

TheMovieBlog.com wrote a piece called How Do You Handle Rude People in a Movie Theatre?. I have to admit, I'm a bit in love with the writer, John. For the most part, I always agree with what he says, and after reading his list of things that annoy him at the movies, I have come to the conclusion that I have been afraid to admit to myself for so long.

If I go to the movies, I should expect to be annoyed by other people.
L'enfer, c'est les autres, after all.

I think that people should be aware of their surroundings and, more importantly, of how they affect other people around them. I think that people should view movie-going as an experience rather than just a thing to do on a Friday night. I think that people should care about film as an art form and be respectful (and quiet!) as they watch a movie that someone put a lot of time and effort into creating. I think people should be extra quiet while watching Indie flicks. I think people should not eat or drink during the movies (which I think is the largest contributor to American obesity besides fast food, but that's another post). And I think people can and should be able to miss a phone call. Movies are two hours; what can people not wait to talk about?

But despite these hopes... these ambitious and foolish dreams... I also think that people are inherently selfish and rude creatures. I think people are capable of being better, but I think people are too lazy to want to grow as individuals. People want selfish benefits, not the greatest good for the greatest number of people.

So... I'm just going to assume that people will act unacceptably in the movie theater and I'll just have to, well, accept it. Which means -- attention studio execs -- I will not be going to the movies as often. And certainly not on the weekends.

day the earth stood still remake: poster

Above is the poster for The Day the Earth Stood Still (the remake). I'm just as annoyed as anyone else that Hollywood only manages to recycle ideas (and are now bringing this laziness to Broadway), but nothing aggravates me more than doing a remake of an already solid movie. I can understand Gus van Sant doing a remake of Psycho (the ending is outdated and, yes, comical), but it wasn't a remake. He recreated Psycho shot-for-shot. Isn't that THEFT? American remakes of foreign classics also irritate me because Americans should just rent the original anyway. Two things happen with these Americanized remakes. One, people have no need to see foreign films because Hollywood will just make a craptastic version of it eventually. And two, they're craptastic. Most remakes are mediocre. Can you think of a remake that surpasses the original? (Even Haneke's Funny Games, which is a shot-by-shot duplication of his original German film, isn't as interesting.)

So above remakes and sequels and foreign rip-offs, I hate remakes of already stellar movies. (If anyone does a direct remake of It's a Wonderful Life, blood will be spilled. Jimmy Stewart is George Bailey.) So why remake The Day the Earth Stood Still, which, if you've seen it, is more impressive in plot, character development, and special effects than most movies today. (Did you see their guns just disappear?) My prediction for Hollywood's latest remake is... the smartest person in the world will no longer be a scientist but Joel Osteen, and Klaatu (played this time by Keanu Reeves... seriously?) will be more futuristic-looking than the original Klaatu (who took on the guise of a contemporary human). I also imagine that the final message will not be about love and tolerance... but about violence and breasts.

grammar rant

Writing has always come naturally to me. Yes, I have occasional typos, but I've always had a knack for the rules (and even the exceptions to those rules). On my college papers, I've only ever written first-drafts, and I get As on all of them. And because it comes so naturally to me, I get extremely irritated when people abuse and misuse grammar, especially since many of the mistakes are rules you've used since childhood. And these irritations even extend to my personal life. If someone texts me using numbers as letter replacements, I will not respond. And with my students, I am harder on grammar than I am on actual content. (In my defense, ideas are easy; execution is not. And that's how I compare the papers.)

They're, Their, There
I really don't understand why people still confuse these. They're not forgotten words. In fact, they are probably among the most commonly used words! They're is a contraction. Do people even remember what that means anymore? It combines two words together, and the apostrophe denotes such. Their is possessive. There's no real gimmick to remember this other than it's not they're or there. And as for there... it has the word "here" in it. The two words are so similar, and the only difference is the distance of the object! My CD is here. No, my CD is there. The misuse of these words annoys me more than any of the others. They're words we learned in first grade and learned how to spell in second.

Further/Farther
I'm always reminded of the film Finding Forrester. Jamal explains, "Farther is in relation to distance. Further is a definition of degree." Well, that's not so hard. Farther = distance. This one annoys me when supposed intelligent characters on TV or film say further when they should really say farther. In fact, I think most writers put down "further" as a default. (While I'm at it, I also get annoyed by TV and film programs that ignore common sense. Like in High School Musical 2 - I'm not ashamed to admit I've seen it - where girls are singing on a stage without microphones, yet you can hear every single one of them. Or in any medical program where they just stab people in random places with a needle. Doesn't the needle have to go into a vein for the liquid to work?)

A Lot
It's two words. To the fifth grade teacher who started this trend: I dislike you. A lot.

Its vs. It's
Sigh. As a columnist for my local paper once wrote, you wouldn't put an apostrophe in the middle of Hi's or Her's, so the possessive doesn't take an apostrophe. Or, if that rule is too hard to remember (sigh, which for some people it is), just remember that a contraction brings two words together! It's = It is.

Misspelling Definitely
Definately? Is definate a word? No... but DEFINITE is. If something is definite, it is a sure bet, certain, unchanging. Therefore it is finite... and what do you know? Finite is in the word definite. Mind-blowing, I know.