episodes: bones, grey's anatomy, the office, 30 rock

Bones: I am extremely irritated with this show. The season four finale, "The End in the Beginning," offered viewers an immediate look at Brennan and Booth in bed together -- something the creators have sworn up and down would be real and not a hallucination or a dream -- only to discover that it's not actually Brennan and Booth. While the real Booth has been in a coma for the past four days, the audience learns in the last two minutes that Brennan has been writing a crime short story/book based on people she know. The following are my major irritations: (1) First of all, the actual story she writes -- complete with a lame Hodgins voiceover -- isn't a very good story. (2) Secondly, it took me an entire forty minutes to figure out where this bizarro world came from. These are characters I know, and yet somehow they're not... oh, it's a story. Told by someone. For some reason. That won't be revealed until the last two minutes of the show. Because the writers didn't introduce it as a story (but rather immediately leapt into bed with Booth and Brennan for cheap thrills), I spent a majority of the hour waiting for the end of the episode. I didn't care about these bizarro characters with their bizarre personalities. I wanted to get back to the normal Bones world I had grown to love. The only thing I liked about this world was that it showed how well John Francis Daley (Sweets) can sing. (3) And lastly -- and this is a major problem -- there was no chemistry between the lead actors during their sex romp. This could be because of two reasons. One, the sex came at the very beginning of the episode, and because there was no build-up, the scene couldn't climax (much like the characters, I'm sure). Without the build-up, there's no audience investment. Or two, randomly beginning the episode in bed -- with Booth in a hospital bed in the last episode -- lead to a lot of confusion. So instead of enjoying the moment for what it was, the audience scratched their heads and wondered what happened between last week and this week that allowed Booth to be healthy enough to engage in sexual relations. Outside of these two possibilities, the scene simply didn't work. It was awkward and the actors seemed to be pulling back. (The actors are friends in real life, so I bet it was like kissing a sibling on the set.) But most of all, imagining a story is the exact same as dreaming. Brennan and Booth still have not had sex, something the creators have been promising since mid-season. I'm angry. I feel cheated. And the fact that this show has been renewed for two more seasons really worries me.


The Office: Hands down, the finale "Company Picnic" was the best thing on television last Thursday. It was able to balance the multiple strengths of the show, including sight gags and verbal jokes, outrageous caricaturizations (which Blogspot informs me is not a word, but then again, neither is Blogspot) and quiet moments of heart-tugging goodness. Steve Carrell and John Krasinski really brought their A-game to this episode, and the writers pulled off a wonderful showcase of the often times overlooked or ignored supporting cast. Stanley had the winning line of the night: "I usually don't enjoy the theater, but this is delightful." The episode began with a wonderful prank on Michael -- wonderful because it's based in reality (what office employee doesn't dream of taking advantage of their boss and skipping out on a full day of work?) -- and it was nice to see Dwight get in on the prank. And yes, I enjoyed Dwight's awful pun while changing the clocks, "Like clockwork." And then the episode follows our favorite Scranton Branch into the Dundler-Mifflin company picnic, where hilarity ensues on the volleyball court and we discover, through one of the sweetest moments of the show, that Jim and Pam are pregnant. It's a scene that is right above the proposal (for its style of execution) and just below the kiss from "Casino Night" (only because nothing will ever touch the awesomeness of that moment). The reveal came through a window in the hospital (begin watching at the 20:14 mark), and we see the look of shock and awe on Jim and Pam's face, right before they kiss each other and Jim starts crying. Then he comes out to call Dwight with the sweetest line of the episode, "Dwight, send in the subs." Way to make my heart swell, Krasinski.

Below are some of the highlights:
• I loved the introduction of Dwight's best friend, Rolf -- "I met him in a shoe store. I heard him asking for a shoe that could increase his speed and not leave any tracks." -- mostly because I will never tire of anyone calling Angela a whore.
• Michael wrote down a list of why he and Holly are soul mates -- "Holly and I are soup snakes, and the reason is... in terms of the soup... that doesn't make any sense. We're soul mates." -- and was smart enough to know he should wait to tell her of his affections. Michael Scott is only as self-aware when he's around Holly.
• I'm going to miss Idris Elba as Charles, Michael's interim manager while Michael created the Michael Scott Paper Company. In this episode, his competitive nature really heightened his character's contempt for the Scranton Branch, namely Jim. This is a very specific type of character that would work well within the Office universe. Best line: "It must be nice to get a rest from all your rest."
• Michael and Holly's skit, "Slumdunder Mifflinaire," worked so well despite its obvious awkwardness (Michael announces the closing of a branch, when said branch is present without any knowledge of the layoffs) because of Steve Carrell's Indian accent and because they made torture into comedy. This skit, by the way, really showcased why the show will suffer the loss of Amy Ryan next season. Michael and Holly chanting "Dun-der, dun-der, dun-der" to the tune of the Jaws theme song was as sweet as anything Jim and Pam have ever done.
• Pam played volleyball in junior high, high school, college, and went to a volleyball camp most summers -- and she's proud of it.
• Best site gag: As Kevin is speaking into the camera -- "It's 6 to 6. It's a nail biter." -- he gets hit by the volleyball. Unexpected physical pain is always welcome. (And this was followed by Angela asking Kevin, "Now it's 7:6. Or is that too much accounting for you," to which Rolf says, "Here's an accounting question for you. What does one fiance plus one lover equal? Answer: one whore.")
• Second best site gag: To delay the game while Jim takes MVP Pam to the hospital, Dwight kicks the volleyball into the woods with such anger and then yells, "I'll get it!" and saunters away. I laughed embarrassingly hard.

Grey's Anatomy: The finale "Now or Never" was certainly the talk of Facebook on Friday. (Sadly, Facebook statuses have replaced "watercooler talk.") I don't have much to say outside of George and Izzie's storylines -- other than someone needs to give Chandra Wilson (Bailey) an Emmy already, and then more Emmys for the previous seasons that she hasn't won -- so I'll stick to those major characters. (1) Izzie: When she emerged from her surgery with short term memory loss, I immediately thought back to a previous episode where a woman had to be told every 30 seconds that her husband died on his way to the hospital. At first I was peeved because I thought they were recycling material, but then I realized the familiarity of the storyline was supposed to evoke a response to tragedy. What if Izzie had to be told over and over again that the tumor was removed? It's not as heartbreaking when compared to the woman whose husband died, but the source of one's identity is very much rooted in memories. Eating jello (action) is not as defining as remembering whether or not you like jello (memory). We all knew that Izzie's memory would eventually come back, but it was wonderful to see it come back in such an honest way. Her husband Alex delivers one hell of a speech about his fears, which makes Izzie hold on to his words and thus focus on remembering. His speech, delivered so well by Justin Chambers, included thoughts on leaving her, on feeling helpless, on her not being the same person he married. It wasn't sweet; it wasn't romantic. It wasn't anything anyone would ever want to hear after going through brain surgery. But damn was it honest.

(2) George: I didn't realize George was the John Doe on the table until the Chief said he sent O'Malley home early to be with his mother before he departed for Iraq. Creator Shonda Rhimes has noted that the writers deliberately edged George out of major storylines so that when he was absent in the finale, nobody would take notice. Well Shonda, it worked. I was completely taken by surprise. (Rhimes has also noted in previous seasons that she pitches the season's finale before they even begin writing that season, so I believe her when she says it's merely coincidence that Katherine Heigl and T.R. Knight have been publicly scrutinized for their roles in the show and that they're the ones who end up flatlining at the episode's end.) There are two reasons why George's storyline broke my heart. The first is all due to Ellen Pompeo. Her delivery of "007? 007! 007! Oh my God, oh my God. It's George!" will forever be etched in my memory. Broke. My. Heart. (Best thing Pompeo's done on the show yet.) And second, in the first hour of the two-hour finale, George-as-John Doe is on the operating table, being poked and prodded by all of the major surgeons, including his ex-wife Callie, his mentor Owen Hunt, and his friend Meredith Grey. John Doe stepped in front of a bus to save a complete stranger from being hit, and someone wonders aloud if anyone thinks they could ever do that for someone else. Callie says, "We like to think we would, but... [we wouldn't]." That's our George. George is the type of person to step in front of a bus for someone else. The way that these scenes were set up -- thinking of John Doe as some random patient in the beginning, then realizing that the patient is our heroic George towards the end -- was extremely well plotted. For the most part, the finale was a typical episode... but the last few minutes, where Izzie and George both simultaneously flat line, left a lot of fans screaming at their television, "SERIOUSLY?!?"


30 Rock: My biggest issue with this show is that the jokes are often isolated within specific scenes -- and further, those scenes are isolated from other scenes -- so it was nice to see Liz's fifth grade kidney performance brought back to reveal she went to school with Sheryl Crow. Overall, the episode was just okay, but I didn't care for the forced catchphrase storyline (despite it being funny, it was so self-aware that the irony was quickly replaced by the idea that NBC is making 30 Rock catchphrase central -- even their website has "It's a deal breaker, ladies!" everywhere), or Tracy Jordan going back to high school to deliver a commencement speech. The episode did have one great moment, and that's the closing charity song ("One song. One man. One kidney."), filled with the voices of Mary J. Blige, Elvis Costello (alias of an international art thief), Clay Aiken, Cyndi Lauper, Adam Levine, and many others. It was more parodic than the straight-laced "The American Dream" song from Wag the Dog, and I do enjoy a good mocking of consumer capitalism.

• Dr. Spaceman was used remarkably well in this episode, from "Kidney transplantation is no laughing matter, so I apologize... (insert childish laughter)... kidney is just such a funny word" to yelling "Opposite! Opposite!" at the kidney transplant form.
• Here's a complete list of the catchphrases Liz Lemon offers to various women throughout the episode: "This guy's making you talk like a crazy person. You have sexually transmitted crazy-mouth. That's a deal breaker." "Your fiance's gay. Look at him, look at you. Classic case of 'fruit blindness.'" "He thinks he deserves a va-jay-jay upgrade. He doesn't; he's not Tom Brady. Shut it down." "There's no such thing as bisexual. That's something they created in the 90s to sell hair products." "Only one snake in the bed. Deal breaker!" "Not on my watch, beyotch." "S to the D. Shut it down." "Talk it out before you walk it out." "Long distance is the wrong distance."
• Say what you will about Tracy Morgan as an actor or a human being, his performance as Tracy Jordan makes even the worst storylines so much better. The "When have I ever cried" montage was hysterical. In case you've ever wanted to revisit some of Tracy's best lines, you can go here and read every line he's ever uttered.
• Here are the lyrics to the charity song:

Sometimes life brings pain and strife, and all seems wrong. That's when you find a friend and write a song. So give the gift of giving, and give it far and give it wide. Take the leap pushed down deep inside. And just give a kidney to a father or a dad. Just give a kidney. We hear it doesn't really hurt that bad, and we know you want to give it to a super human being (?). So get it done. We just need one. For Milton Green. This country has six hundred million, and we really only need half, which still leaves three hundred million kidneys. Do the math. Milton Green (x a lot). He needs a kidney. Milton Green. Don't ask why, he could die if you don't call today. Listen, when someone starts talking in the middle of a song, you know it's serious. So give Milton a kidney. We all believe in this cause so much that we're doing it for free. Except for Sheryl. And only three of us are drunk.

The song continues, but it moves so quickly between the celebrities... but the highlight was Cyndi Lauper exclaiming, "I'm one of the drunk ones!"

episode: the office, "moroccan christmas" (5.10)

I haven't posted on The Office in a while (possibly since the premiere?), but that's because I've been fairly unimpressed this season. This past Thursday's Christmas episode, however, almost makes up for it. The Office tends to do Christmas episodes correctly (unlike, say, 30 Rock), and this episode offered us three really strong storylines to follow. The A-story was Phyllis's creation of a Moroccan Christmas, which shows that she is capable of throwing a good party. The B-story, however false or inappropriate, had Michael staging an intervention for Meredith. When he tricks her into going to a rehab center, Michael offered my favorite line: "I'm here to make a deposit... Alcoholic." The C-story followed Dwight's capitalist Grinchness by looking up what this season's most sought-after will be -- Princess Unicorn -- then buying all of them and selling them out of his office at $200 a pop.

The reason this episode succeeded is because it focused less on narrative drama and more on character drama. Jim has reverted back to his pranks on Dwight (how long do you think it took him to create an identical desk out of paper?). Angela finally stood up to Phyllis, only to have her reveal Angela's secret affair with Dwight. (And Dwight's smirk was priceless. "Well, don't look so surprised.") But poor Andy. They made an obnoxious character pathetic and sympathetic without making him lose his obnoxiousness. His sitar song was annoying, but also sweet at the same time. His relentless, although misguided, adoration of Angela has been endearing. But now that the secret has been revealed to everyone but him, I wonder who will be the one in the office to break the news? Oh, and how cute were Jim and Pam at the end. "I knew." "You didn't know." "I knew." "She knew."

Good (non-quotable) moments include the father appearing at the office and making the official "Princess Unicorn" signal for Dwight; Jim's reaction to Michael thinking Bob Hope was an alcoholic; Phyllis making Angela put away her Christmas tree (at a Christmas party); Creed offering up that he can get a fire permit in an hour; Meredith naming off every bar in Scranton; Toby paying Daryl $400 for a black Princess Unicorn doll


Memorable quotes from "Moroccan Christmas":

Angela: (after Phyllis removes her nativity scene from her desk because it doesn't match the Moroccan theme) I am not going to judge Phyllis for desecrating Christmas. There is one person who will, though, and she just stuffed him into a drawer.

Jim: Oh, you brought in your doll collection.
Dwight: These are not dolls. They are commodities, just like gold or oil.

Michael: (acting as bartender) This is equal parts scotch, absinthe, rum, gin, vermouth, triple sec, and two packs of Splenda.
[The best part of this scene is that Michael has no idea what kind of a drink he just offered Meredith, and he's genuinely thrilled that she likes it.]

Angela: Really, Andy? It's Christmas, and you're singing about nudity. And France.

Dwight: (after selling one of the dolls) Fa-la-la-la-la-la-ka-ching!

Michael: An intervention, it's really hard to describe... it's really a coming together... it's a surprise party for people who have addictions and you get in their face and scream at them and make them feel really bad about themselves. And then they stop.

Kevin: (after Meredith's hair catches fire) FIRE GIRL!
[This, of course, is in the same vein as his nicknames for Ryan -- Fire Guy, Fired Guy, and Hired Guy. Kevin's creative process is hilarious.]

Michael: Okay, we're going to have a quick intervention and then get back to the party.

Dwight: In the Shrute family, we believe in the five-finger invention. Awareness. Education. Control. Acceptance. And Punching.

Meredith: I don't mind telling you I have an addiction. To porn.
Michael: That image, I think we can agree, is disgusting.

Michael: What happens if you come in to work tomorrow... and you're dead?
Dwight: (cut to Dwight's talking head) I'd stab her in the brain with a wooden stick. There are several ways to kill a zombie, but the most satisfying way is stabbing in the brain with a wooden stick.

mid-season TV review: part I

As promised... my totally awesome opinions of the TV season thus far.


The Office: This show used to be my favorite show on television, but in all honesty, it's lacking something. It's lacking change. I appreciate that they're going forward with Pam and Jim (aka Jam, aka PB&J), and I think the writers are handling their relationship quite intelligently (see above clip for squeal-worthy perfection), but I don't understand why Angela, the uptight Christian, is cheating on Andy and stringing him along with false wedding plans. Also, where are spotlights on the other supporting characters -- Creed, Stanley, and Oscar? Meredith and Phyllis have had their moments to shine, but this season has been dominated by Holly Flax (the fantastic Amy Ryan, who should be brought back to the show at any cost). The goods: Michael's humanization, Holly's Yoda and beatbox impressions, Kelly's tapeworm (from "Weight Loss"), and the proposal, of course. The bads: The show is too episodic, and the storylines aren't paced out as well. The storylines are too divided -- Jam over here, Dwight and Andy and Angela (Dwangelandy?) over there, and Michael and Holly somewhere else. It's like Season 1 but without the freshness and innovation.


Chuck: I don't know if you've heard, but Fox is looking to add House to the Monday at 8pm lineup -- yes, opposite Chuck, Gossip Girl, Sarah Connor Chronicles, and CBS's Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother. As much as I enjoy these other shows (and I've watched House since the beginning -- minus the David Morse episodes), Chuck wins out. It is the smartest, funniest, and best written show on TV. It would be easy to dismiss this gem as light fluff (easy to do because it's hyperreal spy spoof comedy), but the characters are extremely well written and there are more jokes than you know what to do with. In fact, some of the best jokes are THROW AWAYS. Case in point, last week Lester says, "I was born ready," to which Jeff responds in the most brilliant deadpan, "I was born premature." The goods: This show does an excellent job of having Chuck's Buy More life mirror that of Chuck's spy world life. The smartest thing this show did was around episode 3 or 4, Chuck realizes he can't have a relationship with Sarah, his handler, and so he needs to stop pining after her. Of course, viewers are well aware that Sarah has feelings for him as well, but she also knows that he's correct. So now there's a sadness to Chuck and Sarah's relationship, but this show allows for 5 minutes (tops!) of sentimentality, and the rest is all fast-paced comedy. Also, the writers have been able to incorporate guest stars without their storylines undermining the show (ahem, I'm looking at you, 30 Rock). And lastly, Captain Awesome is completely deserving of his nickname. I love that guy. He could've been a one-note joke, but he really is just awesome. The bads: More John Casey (Adam Baldwin), please. Although, the Casey-Chuck kiss was just as fantastic as the Oscar-Michael Scott kiss.


Grey's Anatomy: This show is certainly back on track -- minus the surprise firing of Brooke Smith (can ABC be homophobic if their parent company Disney is pro-gay?) -- and the writing is much sharper. I absolutely loved the episode where Richard, the Chief, was upset that his hospital was ranked at #12 and vowed to get it (and his surgeons) back to #1 -- an obvious analogy for the way Grey's itself used to be #1 and then slipped to roughly the #10 spot. Luckily, after the first few episodes, Cristina finally told Meredith what everyone's being wanting to say ("Shut up about Derek already!"), and everything that annoyed me about last season is gone. No more Gizzie -- but without a physical relationship, can't these two still be friends? No more Derek's-a-good-guy -- because, let's be honest, he's sort of a jerk. No more Alex-the-softie. But I do find it odd that Izzie is JUST NOW coming to terms with Denny's death. She spent an entire episode crying on the bathroom floor, then had flings with both Alex and George, and THEN starts seeing Denny's ghost? I think the writers are pretending like Season 4 never happened. The goods: The writing is better. The storylines are more interesting. Bernedette Peters was involved in one of the most heartbreaking storylines: She and her two friends were in a car accident, but one friend suffered trauma and only has a 30 second memory break. She kept asking for her husband, who actually had died in the next ER. Her friends had to keep telling their friend that her husband had died... until Izzie finally smiled with tears in her eyes and said, "Yes, he's on his way. He's just around the corner." Such a good episode. The bads: Although I was not a fan of Callie and Erica together -- I didn't like the way the writers handled Callie's sexual fluidity, although I do understand the necessary juxtaposition to Erica's character -- I don't like how her character was dismissed. Also, I absolutely do not like Melissa George, who joins the show for a multi-episode arc as Meredith's old friend. (Also, Mary McDonnell of BSG fame is joining as a doctor with Asperger's... though, from what I've seen in the previews, I have a real problem with people taking her seriously as a surgeon. She looks completely spaced out.)


Bones: I was really irritated by the whole Zach's-the-apprentice-but-psych!-he-didn't-kill-anyone storyline, but now that that's wrapped up, I can focus on Booth and Bones. Cameron is also really growing on me, and there is a small part that wants her and Booth to sleep together again. Can't you picture them as casual sex partners? I sometimes have trouble with how separated from reality they write Bones to be -- she doesn't know the difference between saying "put them on bail" and "bail them out"?? -- and I'm also wary of the episodes where Bones and Booth are the comical characters, but tonight's episode, "The Con Man in the Meth Lab," was so pitch-perfect that I'm willing to excuse the other episodes. Booth is guarded and protective of his brother... Bones doesn't understand the psychology of guardedness and passes it off as a hierarchical alpha male thing... then Bones learns a little more about Booth (through evidence, of course), and at the very end, the episode closes on Booth's line: "My father drank." No justification. No opening about it. No story. Just a matter of fact statement. So perfect. Although I love me some PB&J, Booth and Bones are my favorite TV couple -- the actors are naturalistic around one another, and their dialogue is completely believable. The goods: I'm especially enjoying the inclusion of Dr. Sweets this season, and the fact that Booth and Bones don't listen to his profiling advice is just hilarious. I'm also enjoying the rotation of graduate assistants, though I do prefer the guy who rolls his eye whenever anyone talks about anything personal. The bads: I hated the episode where Bones dated two men. Seriously, a grown woman couldn't rationalize on her own why dating two men wouldn't work? I also thought Hodge and Angela's breakup was artificial -- I even forget why they broke up -- though I do enjoy their post-relationship attempts at working together.


House: I loved the way the season started because I really needed to understand why in the world Wilson was friends with House. He's a misanthropic jerk who always put his entertainment before the betterment of others, including Wilson, so I needed the funeral episode in order to appreciate their friendship and how they work together. I also loved the private eye, Lucas, and would love to have him back on the show. He was like House's conscience, but much hornier and funnier. I still can't stand Thirteen and feel like she's more of a gimmick than an actual character, which is a shame because I like the actress, Olivia Wilde. I didn't care about Cameron or Chase -- until this Tuesday's episode where I realized how well Cameron's incessant goodness was a perfect recurring obstacle for House's amoral methods. His new peons are just boring and don't stand up to House. And shouldn't Foreman be doing more? But yes, the kiss between House and Cuddy... it was a long time coming, and I'm one of the few people who really loved how it unfolded. House would never kiss Cuddy. Cuddy would never kiss House. It had to happen when both of them were vulnerable. It had to be awkward and uncomfortable. Were people really hoping for a romantic kiss? And the writers developed the post-kiss reactions very realistically. House would never ring Cuddy's doorbell and admit his feelings. (Though I feel bad for Wilson -- he was serious when he talked about always having feelings for Cuddy, wasn't he?) And Cuddy would shrug it off and assume that House & Wilson would be playing games with her (she wasn't entirely wrong). The goods: House is developing as a character. He's not necessarily progressing to being a better human being -- as he was with his ex-wife Stacey -- but he is developing into a three-dimensional misanthrope. I like Wilson more now, especially post-Amber. I do miss Amber. She was an interesting antagonist for House. The bads: Seriously, I can do without Chase, Cameron, Foreman, Taub, Thirteen, and... Kal Penn's character. What's his name? Doesn't matter. They're boring. They're all boring.


The Mentalist: The episodes are still not as perfect as the premiere, but dang, I love Simon Baker and Robin Tunney on this show. This last Tuesday's episode was particularly amusing. Patrick bought everyone gifts with money he won at Black Jack (where he counted cards), and even though the girls gave back their jewelry and the guys noted how ugly their watches were, the guys wore those watches the entire episode. Yay, continuity! I also like this show because the red herrings are actually good, and everyone's suspicious of committing the crime for different reasons. Sometimes they look at Patrick weird, and he knows they did it. Other times, they do or say something, and Patrick knows. So as the audience, we never know what he picks up on. I do try to figure out the ending, but not too hard because I do like for the narrative to unfold before me. (I ruined The Prestige for myself by figuring most of it out by the end. That's what I get for being an active audience member...) The goods: Simon Baker and Robin Tunney? Yes? Also, the episodes have enough heart and humor to help me through. I tend not to like procedural shows (other than House and Bones, and even then I have difficulty with them sometimes) because they're so formulaic. And The Mentalist is definitely formulaic, but Baker is so hypnotic that you completely believe that he is a psychic and a master of psychology. Also, the supporting characters have just enough to do to keep me interested in them. I don't think any of them should be spotlighted any time soon; I definitely appreciate the one-line quips they provide. They support the structure of how their group is organized. The bads: The other female character (don't remember her name) irks me a bit, but I can't pinpoint why. And the episodes are uneven in their storytelling. I don't think that the show casts the killers very well...

More tomorrow...

the office: business ethics

Tonight's episode, "Business Ethics," was surprisingly uncomfortable to watch. Normally, the show's humor is awkward, but tonight it was personal. Holly, the new Human Resources representative, follows protocol and submits a proposal that Meredith be fired for sleeping with their supplier and getting discounts on the office products. And then what happens? Holly gets yelled at for not getting signatures for an ethics seminar, even though she did something much more than that. It was still a great episode, and I agree with Alan Sepinwall's assessment that this episode was heavy with reaction shots. There was even a moment where Dwight reacts to the camera in the same frame and only a nanosecond after Jim reacts to the camera. Crazy!

Some notes that Alan mentions in his post... Jim's prank on Dwight was one of the best of the show. As Alan put it, "Jim exploited Dwight's self-righteousness, his obsession with rules and his love of both facts and "Battlestar Galactica" all at once." He also drew my attention to -- how had I not noticed this before? -- the fact that Kevin's nickname for Ryan has evolved from The Fire Guy to Fired Guy to Hired Guy. Nice.

A pretty solid episode, but nothing too exciting. One of the few episodes, if not the only, where Pam doesn't make an appearance. I missed my PB&J tonight. Rating: B.


Highlights from the episode:

Michael: People expect a lot from these meetings. Laughter. A sudden twist, surprise endings. You need to be Robin Williams and M. Night Shyamalan.

Andy: Here's an ethics bomb for you. Would you steal a loaf of bread to feed your family? Boom! I took Intro. to Philosophy. Twice.
Dwight: Trick question. The bread is poisoned. And it's not your real family. You've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male.
Andy: No... that's not how it works...

Michael: When I discovered Youtube, I did not work for five days. I watched Cookie Monster sing "Chocolate Rain" about a thousand times.
Holly: What was the dilemma?
Michael: Whether to tell you or not. And now I'm glad I did. I feel cafarctic.

Holly: Why the [Outback Steakhouse] coupons?
Meredith: I don't know, and maybe it's a girl thing, but after we did it and he gave me those coupons, I just felt good about myself.

Michael: (after throwing out Holly's bought lunch to take her out for a meal) Dunder-Mifflin's treat. Actually, you're not a client so... just split it? (to the camera) Ethics.

Jim: (clocking Dwight for "time theft" for having personal conversations) Did you see Battlestar Galactica last night?
Andy: No, I did not. Is it any good?
Jim: It's so-so. It's got all kinds of monsters... and Klingons...
Andy Is it anything like the original Battlestar Galactica?
Jim: You know what's weird? It's practically a shot for shot remake.
(Dwight -- and myself -- crumples a piece of paper in anguish)
Jim: The story's kind of bland. It's about this guy named Dumbledore Calrissian... and he has to return to the ring back to Mordor...
Andy: That doesn't sound right...

This last quote? My absolute fave. The writers of the show are fans of Battlestar Galactica, and I love how often they publicize the name of the awesomest show that ever awesomed. Dumbledore Calrissian?!? AMAZING!

And speaking of awesomest awesome that ever awesomed... I bring you TheOfficeQuotes.com. Awesome!

ew:best jim halpert pranks

Entertainment Weekly has compiled a list of the best Jim Halpert pranks from The Office. Jim Halpert tied with with Leoben Conoy for Best TV Husband, so I thought this list was only appropriate. Enjoy!


JELL-OH NO, YOU DIDN'T!, "Pilot" (1.1)
Jim puts Dwight's stapler in a mold of jello, an homage to the original BBC series.

PRACTICALITOUS-JOKITIS, "Health Care" (1.3)

Dwight: Someone forged medical information, and that's a felony.
Jim: OK, Whoa, all right 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight: [reading from a sheet] Uh, Leprosy, Flesh Eating Bacteria, Hot Dog Fingers, Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection.

THE NICKELER!, "Conflict Resolution" (2.21)
No one can truly appreciate the magnitude of Jim's high jinks until taking a look at Dwight's complaint files. Jim boasts an impressive rap sheet: he's paid off his coworkers to call Dwight "Dwayne,'' replaced Dwight's pens with crayons, put a bloody glove in Dwight's desk and tried to convince him he was a murderer. But perhaps the most elaborate prank in the hefty complaint file is Jim's alleged tampering with Dwight's telephone handset. Jim is charged with incrementally increasing the weight of Dwight's phone with nickels, and then abruptly removing the change. The result? Dwight nailed himself in the face with his phone.

FAX FROM THE FUTURE, ''Branch Closing" (3.7)
My all-time favorite prank! At the new branch, Jim sends Dwight faxes using Dwight's stationary, and he signs them "Future Dwight." After receiving one fax, Dwight jumps on Stanley to save him from a poisonous cup of coffee.

To: Dwight
From: Future Dwight
Subject: Office coffee
Dwight: At 8 a.m. today, someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight

VENDING MY STUFF, "Booze Cruise" (2.11)
Jim puts all of Dwight's desk belongings in a vending machine, including Dwight's wallet, which means he can't even buy back his own stuff. Jim hands him a back of nickels, and we're left watching Dwight buy his stuff back one nickel at a time.

FRIURSDAY, "Performance Review" (2.8)
Jim and Pam talk about the day like it's Thursday, even though it's really Wednesday.

Pam: [trying to make Dwight think that it's Friday] Hey, did you watch The Apprentice last night?
Jim: Yeah, I can't believe who they kicked out!
Pam: Oh, I know!
Dwight: Damn it! I missed it! I was out drinking with my Laser Tage Team, I can't believe I did that! I never go out on Thursday nights.

DWIGHT-SQUARED, ''Product Recall" (3.20)
Jim comes to work dressed as Dwight. With a pair of $4 drugstore glasses, a tie from the Salvation Army, a short-sleeve button-up shirt, a calculator watch, and an unfortunate hair part, you too can become a Dwight look-alike! To be even more convincing as a Schrute, be sure to ask a series of nonsensical questions.

PAVLOV PRANK, ''Phyllis' Wedding" (3.15)
Inspired by Pavolov's prank, Jim conditions Dwight to ask for an Altoid at the sound of a computer login bell.


YES, DWIGHT, THAT IS THE REAL BEN FRANKLIN, ''Ben Franklin'' (3.14)
In one of my favorite episodes, Jim hires a Ben Franklin impersonator to be a stripper for Phyllis's bachelorette party. Dwight tries to catch Ben Franklin in a lie and is 99% sure it's not the real Ben Franklin.

Dwight: Far-sighted or near-sighted?
Ben Franklin: Both. I invented the bifocals.
Dwight: AAGGHH!!

GAYDAR, "Gay Witch Hunt" (3.1)
My second favorite from my favorite episode. After finding out that Oscar is gay, Michael and Dwight call Jim to find a gaydar machine (to which Jim suggests trying Brookstone), and then Jim sends Dwight a homemade gaydar, which is really a metal detector. Dwight scans it over Oscar and it goes off around his belt-buckle and Dwight thinks it works. Then he it goes off around his own belt-buckle... and the fear in his eyes is priceless.

episode: the office, "weight loss" (5.1)

I bring you a review of The Office's Season 5 premiere, "Weight Loss."

The Office premiere really outdid itself. Last season was uneven (but still funnier than most other comedies on TV), and the Season 4 finale brought back all of the reasons we love this show -- and then the Season 5 repeated those jokes and multiplied and amplified them. The only problem is -- and it's hard to call it a problem, but that's what it is -- I really, really love Amy Ryan as the new Office cast edition and would hate to see her leave. She brings humanity back into Michael's character, and can you believe it, she BEAT BOXES. Hilarious, unexpected, but entirely plausible moment. The premiere brought back jokes about Kevin's mental retardation, which was, hands down, the greatest part of the finale last season. Normally The Office hasn't worked as an hour-long show in the past, but that was because most of the episodes -- excluding "Casino Night" from Season 2 -- were actually two half-hour episodes stitched together. But "Weight Loss" was a full episode and it rolled along nicely because all of the characters (even Creed!!!) had screen time. And for the first time ever, I didn't want to punch Kelly in the face.

Most importantly -- spoiler!!! -- Jim proposed to Pam. She's in New York at design school, and I really thought that the writers were going to drag out another triangle between Jim, Pam, and her new design friend, played by Rich Sommer of Mad Men fame. But they didn't. They alluded to that potential storyline as a red herring so that when Jim got down on one knee, it was unexpected, breathtaking, and I squealed for the first time since "Casino Night" (aka Best Screen Kiss Ever).

I give this episode a 9.5/10. (I'm going to start grading episodes...)

My friend Rachel and I like to send each other our favorite quotes from episodes literally moments after the show ends, so here is a compilation of some of the best quotes... which was difficult, considering I could just as easily have copied the entire script. Unfortunately, I won't be transcribing any of the visual hilarity, like the interview with webcam-Pam, which was really inspired. Rachel thinks Andy got some of the best lines of the episode, but I think the best line of the night definitely went to Creed: "It wasn't a tapeworm."

Quotes from "Weight Loss" (5.1)
Andy: I'm excited to lose weight for the wedding because... I really want to have washboard abs the first time Angela sees me naked.

Kevin: Pam, you weigh 226 lbs.?
Holly: Almost, Kevin.
Pam: Not almost, though, Holly. I mean, not close to 200.
Holly: Math is hard.
Kevin: (nods) Yeah...

Andy: Every little boy fantasizes about his fairy tale wedding.

Jim: So why haven't I proposed yet? Actually, Pam and I talked about it and we just decided that we didn't want to spend the first three months of our engagement apart. Pam's always said that she doesn't want a long engagement. Something in her past, I guess. I'm not really sure about the whole story... something about a guy... who used to work here...

Michael: I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for another 7.

Michael: Do you have any idea what the number one cause of death is in this country?
Dwight: Shotgun weddings.
Jim: That's not what that is.

Kelly: (during an interview) I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me, and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.
Creed: (in a separate interview) That wasn't a tapeworm.

Ryan: I wanted to say I'm sorry for treating you bad the past couple years. I was in my mid-twenties. I was going through a lot of stuff. I think I never really processed 9/11...

Andy: Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them. Or he quits them because they're unfair.


And here's the proposal scene... in case you're like me and want to watch it over and over and over again.

the office premiere is tonight!

Kristin over at E! Online has been putting up interviews with The Office cast all week in honor of the season premiere -- which is tonight! (My suggestion is to TiVo AND watch The Office and forget about McDreamy and those other folks at Seattle Grace.) Here, Kristin interviews John Krasinski, and they discuss the future of PB&J and him possibly directing an episode where he is shirtless on a boat. Mmm. Enjoy!


Oh, what the heck? Here's an additional video with some false spoilers... Angela marries Creed, Pam is a man, and Dwight is a Cylon.

i love 'em, but i really hate 'em

These are the TV characters that I love on their shows, in the context of their shows, within the genre of their shows. But in real life, I think I would punch them in the face.

1. Anyone from the cast of Friends


They're a good-looking bunch and, when combined, they're pretty funny. But the laugh-track helps. And I'm not sure that every situation is all that humorous. I could count on my fingers the number of times they were serious! And after season four, they became caricatures of themselves and I don't think I would be able to stand more than five minutes with any of them. Think about it. Who is more annoying? The ditzy chick who says weird things? The obsessive and bossy clean-freak? The idiot actor who says thinks like "it's a moo point"? The squeaky pubescent bore-osaurus? The one-line suddenly-not-gay guy? Or the chick without a real personality? Hmm...

2. Gaius Baltar from Battlestar Galactica


I love Gaius. He is so well-written, and I back him on every decision he's made. He's all about survival, and I get that. There is no shame in wanting to live. If I were in any of his situations, I would do what he did. I'd let D'Anna into my bed... so she wouldn't kill me. I'd try to hang myself once back on the fleet... so they wouldn't kill me. In fact, at the very beginning, he could've switched his lottery number with the old lady's, but he didn't. I would have. He's such a fantastic bad guy because he represents the truth about human nature, and it's much darker than any of us are willing to admit. We all want to be noble... but this isn't Sparta. When all is said and done, we'd rather live. But... I wouldn't be his friends in real life because he stammers, even though he knows full well what he's saying, and he talks to himself. Oh, and he thinks he's the Chosen One. My Frakkin' Weird radar would be going off every second with him.

3. Kara 'Starbuck' Thrace from Battlestar Galactica


I love Kara, I do. She's a strong female character, but she messes up. On purpose. She's arrogant and crass and doesn't care about hurting other people. She's outspoken and rude. These are all reasons why I love her character, what makes her human and real to me. But she's too real, and in real life, I wouldn't be able to justify her actions or get inside her head. Also, I'm kind of sick of her pouty lips-pursed face. Maybe if she laughed more, I'd be her friend... but what's funny about the apocalypse?

4. Pam Beesly from The Office


I heart Jam (Jim + Pam). The kiss from Season 2 could have been between me and Jim, for all my heart knows. It stopped beating for about seven seconds. And as cute as they are, and as adorable and sweet and almost frumpy as she is, Pam is just too soft. She doesn't have a backbone, and that is one of the reason I love her. She's the underdog. You want her to dump Roy, attend an art school, and have little prank-pulling babies with Jim. But she doesn't. It's not fear so much but low self-esteem. Until Season 3, she really doesn't believe she deserves better than a secretary job and a man that doesn't appreciate her. But I need friends who can stand on their own two feet, fight their own fights, and have opinions.

5. Josh Lyman from The West Wing


Oh, Josh. His little walk and how he looks around when he's talking to someone is cute. His banter with Donna is precious, and his one-shoulder-slung backpack is darling. But he's pompous and way too oblivious about anything personal. Take his relationship with Mary-Louise Parker's character, for instance. He dated her because she was in politics. I could never have a serious personal conversation with him (and Donna points that out on a regular basis), and I would want to strangle him every time he told me I was wrong even though I would be saying the same thing he was. And, come to think of it, his walk would annoy me.

"why can't you be more like jim halpert?"

I often wonder why real-life men can't be like their superior TV counterparts. How great would it be if every awkward moment had a laugh track? How great would it be if guys actually said eloquent expressions filled with honest feelings? Men should really look to TV to see what women want. We don't need the knight in shining armor that is presented in most romantic comedies (and any woman who needs that is just lazy), and we certainly don't want the swearing-because-they're-manly gun-toting grunting-passes-for-an-answer guy that is displayed in action films (as cool as John McClane may be, no self-respecting woman actually wants that, as expressed by Holly Gennaro's absence). Besides, I think film is evolving into the next stage beyond "is it reflecting reality or is reality reflecting it," so it's not a good source for internalization of the male ego. TV, however, is one of the most accessible art forms; it certainly doesn't take a genius to understand MILF Island. Men should look to TV to find inspiration -- not necessarily to find a woman, but just to become a better person overall.

The following is a list of men I would marry without hesitation.


5. Dave Foley's Dave Nelson from Newsradio
I'm not going to lie. Dave Foley actually kind of creeps me out (and reminds me of Issabella Rossilini). He didn't age well, and I've always found him to be a bit effeminate (while hosting that poker show, I thought he had suddenly embraced his inner homosexual), but Foley still makes me laugh, like when he was a BBQ expert on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. And I imagine the comedian is not entirely unlike Dave Nelson, who I just adore. His character is stabilized by the fact that he's smart (who else could win a battle of wits against Bill McNeal?), but he also understands and can dish out sarcasm. All situations are funny, even when Lisa is mad at him for calling her a bad word (the b-one), and he's addicted to coffee. His little hurried walk around the office is also adorable. Dave Nelson was best during Season 1 and, just for fun, check out Bill McNeal's "hypothetical interviews" sketch.


4. Matthew Fox's Jack Shephard from Lost
To all the people who dislike Jack Shephard: Shut up. You're wrong. Intelligence is the numero uno necessity for me (which explains why I'm so unimpressed with most people I meet), and, unlike other characters on Lost, Shepard's progression has been natural and relatable. He didn't ask to be the leader; he just took charge. And he didn't take charge because he's a doctor; he's a doctor because he has an innate need to help people. He's why the phrase "people are born leaders" exists. Jack is juxtaposed with Sawyer (the outlaw, literally the outcast of their island society) and Locke (who bares little resemblance to the philosopher of the same name and pursues a mystical existence), and it is Jack's logic, however failing or negative it may be, that defines his role. He doesn't just come up with a plan. He has a back up plan and he understands the multiple ways in which his plans could potentially unfold. Forget the island setting; this is a trait that I find sexy in everyday life. I don't want someone like Boone who, although physically beautiful, is completely useless and gets himself killed by making stupid decisions. I don't want someone like Sawyer who makes selfish decisions for the sole purpose of irritating other people (namely Kate, ugh, hate her). I don't even want someone like Bernard -- he does whatever his wife, Rose, wants to do? Jack is strong and independent and logical (except in the future -- err -- present). Nevermind his love for Kate (which is completely illogical, she ruins everything) and nevermind his weird and trusting relationship with Juliet (seriously, why doesn't he question her more?). His intelligence comes in a nicely wrapped package (dirty pun intended).


3. Nathan Fillion's Malcolm Reynolds of Firefly
Malcolm Reynolds is an upgrade on the Han Solo archetype, and he looks damn fine in those goofy-looking pants. Nothing translates on screen quite like sacrifice, and as I've mentioned before, Mal's love for his ship is so beautiful. He's a hard character to read, but he is one of the most loyal people I've ever seen. He doesn't want people to risk their lives for him, but he wouldn't even hesitate to give his life for one of his men (which mechanic Kaylee even points out in one episode). "Why did you come back for me? You don't even like me," Simon asks him. He responds, "You're on my crew." All of the characters have really great lines in the show and, because of the seriousness of the role, some of Fillion's brilliant lines are often overlooked, but he is one oddly moral bad-ass hero. A fan made a top ten countdown of Mr. Tightpants's greatest moments here (#6-10) and here (#1-5). But outside of the 'Verse (the Firefly universe), I think having an argument with Mal would be both infuriating and rewarding. He could hold his own. I mean, he would probably just walk away and refuse to express any feelings... but there would never be a dull moment with him.


2. Zachary Levi's Chuck Bartowski from Chuck
Zachary Levi is honestly one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen. His face is symmetrical (which equals beauty, apparently), and his smile and Adam's apple are desirable. But beyond looks -- and this list is definitely not about looks -- Chuck Bartowski is everything I look for in a guy. He's smart and cute (the term is "nerdy hot"), and I would enjoy playing video games with him and Hellboy just as much as I would like sitting awkwardly on a romantic date, too nervous to say anything in fear that everything would come out wrong. He appeals to my inner geek, and he's absolutely goofy. He makes out with mirrors (for practice, of course!) and hits on deli girl Rachel Bilson by erotically describing sandwiches. He would be completely loyal as a boyfriend, and his self-deprivation humor is actually cute and not at all tiring. Sigh. He's close to perfect for me...


1. John Krasinski's Jim Halpert from The Office
Jim Halpert is the awesomest awesome that ever awesomed. His pranks on Dwight are the highlights of any episode, and nothing will ever beat the Gaydar from "Gay Witch Hunt" (my favorite episode). Truth be told, my favorite stand-alone scene is Dwight testing the Ben Franklin, but regardless, Jim Halpert is the heart of this show. He's the smartest one in the office (did I mention I value intelligence?), and he's the only character that doesn't really have a gimmick. Stanley is the grouchy one. Meredith is the sex-obsessed alcoholic. Creed is the weird old guy that says weird things and wears weird clothes. Andy is the brown-noser. Dwight is the "how did he make it this far in life" guy. Pam is the introverted love interest. Phyllis is the person who gets kicked around. Angela is the tight-ass Republican. Mindy is the most obnoxious person in the world (every office has one). Toby is the quiet and insecure guy. And Oscar is the guy that's too good for the office. But Jim? Jim is real. He's an actual person with goals and ambitions, and his best moments are not when he's pining over Pam or when he's making faces at the camera. His best moments are when he smiles because he finds genuine joy in something. When Michael wants to make a mix CD of m3ps and Jim corrects him, it's funny, but when Jim loses out on a deal with a client, he still calls it "a pretty good day" because Pam fell asleep on his shoulder during a conference. My favorite Jim and Pam moment is when Jim is annexed to the back and he keeps wanting to talk to Pam, who keeps getting visits from Roy, and he checks his messages at the end of the day and smiles when he hears Pam's voice, "Hey, this is Pam again." Out of all of the TV shows I watch and obsess over, Jim and Pam are the only couple I actually truly, sincerely care about. (When Pam cries in front of Dwight over missing Jim, I cried too. Broke my heart.) He's a simple guy who isn't very complicated and knows how to fun with such a trying world. And he can put up with Michael Scott. Jim Halpert is... perfect.

BSG and the office fan art by ratscape

If you don't care for spoilerific and obsessive fansites, you can check out Ratscape over at Deviant Art. I don't normally like fan fiction (it's a bit too separated from reality, but I guess that's the point) or fan art, but these are clever little gems filled with parodied inside jokes: