film news: late october 2008

hello, my name is inigo montoya
by artist Rakka
From The Movie Blog, Spartacus is coming to television. Anyone who's ever eaten at a restaurant with me knows that Spartacus is my code name because I'm always hoping that somewhere there is a man who will stand up at the announcement "Spartacus, part of two" and shout "NO! I AM SPARTACUS!" Apparently, this show, which is being developed by Starz, will not come from the page of Kubrick, who directed the 1960 film Spartacus. But that works in the show's favor because it could not keep a multi-season story working within that framework. I'd be really interested to watch this show -- simply because Spartacus is the ultimate underdog and I will always root for him.

In the bizarro world of Tim Burton, Alan Rickman will be playing the Caterpillar in the upcoming Alice in Wonderland. I really can't picture this... which means I will be there opening weekend to see this.

Yet another Nicholas Sparks novel is being adapted for film. This time, it's Dear John. Let's see... it's about a soldier who falls in love with someone and then re-enlists after the 9/11 attacks. I don't even need to read the book, watch the movie, or heck, watch the trailer to know that someone dies -- most likely by self-sacrifice and for the good of the country. My friend was an extra on this film for a week, and he says that Channing Tatum, who plays the soldier, has done a good job... but I don't know if I can shake his Step Up persona. Regardless, I won't be seeing this movie.


Here's the trailer for Lord of the Rings and the Half-Blood Prince. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. This is the next Harry Potter installment. Excuse me while I roll my eyes.

Film School Rejects lists the 10 Hottest Sex Scenes on Film. The best part of the list is the commentaries. Who knew there were so many adjectives to use when describing sex? The commentaries are porn in their own right.

10. Damages
Jeremy Irons lusts after Juliette Binoche and shows it by fucking her on every hard surface in his house. And make no mistake, the duo is not making love, they’re fucking. One scene starts on his desk before moving to a stand-up position against his counter top and, eventually, the floor. Binoche is on her back with her feet up around Irons’ neck, her thigh-high stockings rubbing against his face as he thrusts into her French patisserie, gently knocking her head against the floor each time. Her moans begin to match the impacts until finally they both stop happily and simultaneously… and then they move to the bed.

Film School Rejects also creates a list of 7 Rejected High School Musical Plotlines. It's hard to decide which one is my favorite, but it may very well be High School Nudical, solely for the musical number:

In an effort to widen their audience, High School Nudical begins with drama teacher Ms. Darbus’s retirement from the school system and a much-needed vacation to the Caribbean. However, her replacement is a young, Danish teacher (played by Charlize Theron) who corrupts the now-full drama club by forcing them to do a reprisal of Hair, complete with full frontal nudity. After seeing what Troy is packing, Sharpay finally loses interest in him, but sparks still fly when Kelsi comes out of the Disney closet and tries to pry Gabriella away from Troy. Meanwhile, Chad has become a full-fledged hippie, coming under the influence of the classic free-love musical. Eschewing the tenants of capitalism, Chad slowly builds an underground network, creates a commune and firebombs the school during, “Hoony-Boony-Lacka-Wacka-Die-Capitalist-Pig-Dogs (The Clap Hands Song)”. The crew is split by political association, but after the national guard is called in to quell the uprising, and most of the minor characters are killed, Troy, Gabriella, Chad and Sharpay mourn their brethren and celebrate their enduring friendship with some of Zeke’s Freedom Cupcakes as dawn breaks on a new morning.

And lastly, studios are apparently looking to remake Hitchcock's The Birds, which is just mind-boggling. Isn't this movie so great because it's ridiculously campy and absurd and filled with horrible special effects... and yet you still freak out by flocks of birds? How can they "update" or "reimagine" this movie without destroying the silliness of the original? Is Hollywood so unoriginal that they can't even make remakes of movies worth remaking -- like, say, Audrey Hepburn's Wait Until Dark?